A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
And I don’t know why.
Skin breaking out a little and
Eyes that always look surprised
When they look at me.
Thin lips that smile so easy
And a drowning familiarity
Looks that aren’t Johnny Depp or Jude Law
Looks that win me over all the same
And make me close my eyes
or
A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
Everyone else wonders why.
Let me kiss you
Once
Please
Give me one more reason why.
Comments and ideas for names greatly appreciated ![]()
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As I was reading this, I got the most wonderful image of two people just sort looking at each other not saying anything. Like a scene from an old black and white movie.
"Reticence" maybe? Got a nice ring.
A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
And I don’t know why.
Skin breaking out a little and <----remove the 'and'
Eyes that always look surprised
When they look at me. <-----Remove this line, breaks the flow and a little pointless
Thin lips that smile so easy
And a drowning familiarity
Looks that aren’t Johnny Depp or Jude Law
Looks that win me over all the same <----I think this may better as "But looks that win...."
And make me close my eyes
or
A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
Everyone else wonders why.
Let me kiss you
Once
Please
Give me one more reason why.
Nice poem overall, I didn't like the repetiton of lines in different stanzas which is used by several people on this site- it makes it feel like a chorus of a song and makes it less poetic and detracts from the overall appeal of reading it. Also, I found it a little un-touching for this sort of topic and expected to be people to relate to it more.
That "and" doesn't really bug me, but the one in the first line, second stanza seems out of place to me.
As for a name, maybe "Why?" Okay that's probably bad, but still. It's an idea, and it's all I got right now.
No ideas for names, sorry...
Anyway, I thought this poem was really good. It was kinda reminiscent...pleading...yeah...and not too old-ladyish like many poems of its kind.
Only thing, don't use an 'and' at the beginning of the last line;first stanza. It just is kinda clunky...plus, you want a to-die-for beginning.